Thursday, February 16, 2012

too soon, I'll be celebrating another birthday. I should rejoice that I am still here, alive, relatively well. Blessed with LH, our greys, a wonderful sister and extended family, even if we don't see each other very often. I have a roof over my head, food on my plate (too much at times), and a bed. I have a position, albeit very part-time and have time to clean, to garden, to read. But here we are in our earning years, and earning very little, enough to get by. I will drive my van another year.
I keep hoping and praying, that somehow God will make a way for us into new life. I am tired of receiving rejection notices for positions. The icing on the cake was letting a church know I was not interested in them and then still getting a form rejection notice!!! Please.
I am somewhat restless for what is next. But I don't know what that might be. I'm not much more sure of myself than I was when I was younger. hen, I might have been more sure of myself because I was too ignorant to know better!!!!
I am still awaiting the new life God has promised. I had thought we would have moved on by now, but here we still are. A sort of holding pattern. Neither here nor there.
Every birthday, I take stock of where I am. Give thanks for what is, pray for what is yet to be, maintain hope, and let go of what has been and cannot be.
Last Friday, a song came on the van radio from my college days and filled me wth remembering - being younger, more carefree, with endless possibility stretching before me, an optimism, a knowing of where I was headed.
And here, many years later, childless though married, serving though very part-time, and not where I had thought I'd be back then.
So, I am letting go, surrendering, what is not in order to welcome what will yet be. Learning my star gift word of "Contentment" this year.
I'm young enough to still have some energy, ideas, creativity and desire and too old to be fresh, full of energy, new ideas, flowing with effortless youth. I take more measured risks. I take more time. I deal with aches and pains. I wear more sensible shoes. But there are moments when my spirit dances and sings, when I put on some wildly mismatched socks, when I see what can be full of life, beauty and energy. And other times, when I feel old, out of touch, worn down, more than my age.
Middle-age is a strange time of life. A mixture of what has been and is yet to be, youthfulness and aging. Of letting go of old dreams and hopes and embracing new and different dreams. And keeping hope and having hope.
Perhaps, I'm feeling this, as I serve this congregation of another denomination, because they are staid and don't want to try something different, and I want to bring them the blessing of joy and they refuse. I will keep at it and pray that somehow they will be lead into life even as they heal. That it is ok to delight in God and have God delight in them. That one can laugh in church and it is not irreverent for God will laugh with them, and celebrate. That it's ok to have balloons in church, to make a mistake, to enjoy the faith in which we live, move and have our being. And that the good news of Jesus Christ is to be celebrated and lived into fully.
So, perhaps, I'm not really as old as I feel sometimes and the grace of my faith still shines through bunions, sore back, achy knee, extra pounds, more gray hairs, hair where it oughtn't be sprouting (chin and moustache), and alittle less endurance. And that's worth celebrating, not only on my birthday, but every day.

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