Monday, July 26, 2010


The dark night of my soul continues. It's been a year already. I shouldn't complain as Mother Theresa's lasted decades.
LH's profile was submitted to a church in the same town where I am presently serving. It is a small town, tucked away, but within a half hour of the region's shopping mecca and 2 hospitals. I had checked out housing on the web and was not impressed with the few choices. But, I figured we could do some upgrades if need be.
I was somewhat despairing on my drive on Friday, even tearful. A whole year of trying, of waiting, of being in limbo and nothing working out.
After I walked in the door, changed clothes, made dinner and we were eating, LH mentions that he got a call and his name is no longer being considered because the church changed their profile and the profiles no longer match.
I was disappointed that yet another position was not working out but there was also a lightness in my soul, as though a burden had been lifted. Obviously, God's future for us does not include us living here. But where God and when? The question clings to the air like last night's fish and cabbage dinner!
The routine still doesn't sit well with me being gone from home most of the week. I miss my boys. I miss making dinner at home. I miss the dishwasher, the airconditioning, pulling weeds in the evening, our couch, the company of LH. Least you think these are mere creature comforts, I miss my spirit, the lovedness, the joy, the humor, of my relationship with God, the Great Silence.
I feel cast off from God's presence and as though God's spirit has been taken from me. That is really the hardest of all to deal with. I wander through my days, weeks, and the world, out of sync, a lost soul, ever seeking, searching, pleading, praying to the Great Silence.
The silence is deafening. Yet, I trudge on, plugging away, praying still, and doing my best. It's all I can do for now, for today.

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