Monday, May 12, 2008


It was a quieter Pentecost, but still powerful. Everyone got a birthday candle to make a wish (a prayer) for the church. The choir anthem was great. The Communion Hymn: I Come With Joy, was played far too slow :( yet the communion was meaningful and flowed well. Even the red fabric panels got hung up in time for worship!
All the women received a chocolate bar for Mother's Day.
Had my much needed nap that afternoon.
Perhaps, the longing ache of unfulfilled motherhood made it just a quieter day for me. I still cannot understand the reason I was not able to be a Mom. I think I may never have an answer. Someday, God will explain it to me and I will understand. Maybe at that point, it won't even matter any more.
In the meanwhile, I think...I think about who will care for words I have written, for photos taken on our vacations, for our wedding photos, for my wedding dress which my mom made for me, for our family heirlooms, when LH and I are gone? There will be no legacy, no forward into the future for us, forgotten as though we hadn't ever lived. It bothers me. It grieves and saddens me. Others will be remembered either well or poorly simply by being mothers and fathers, part of the family tree, grandparents, great-grandparents. There is no one LH's side, funny, six siblings - only 2 are married with no children and the other 4 are single with no children. That family line is ending with this generation.
On the other, I have a niece and nephew, but I know they will not care. I am their only blood aunt and their only aunt in the States. It is rare that I ever hear from them. I even tire of calling of them and leaving messages on their cell phones. I always remember their birthdays, graduations, and at Christmas. I have sent them care packages in college. Would they ever think to send me a birthday card? Or just call to say hello more than once a year? I don't understand that generation, they long for relationships but they don't put themselves into them.
I have no answers and from time to time, these questions rise up and unsettle me. I will stay with being unsettled for now.

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