Packing up my office at the church, it's simply amazing how much stuff I accumulated in 5 years. Two bulging wastebasketfuls!! And there are yet 2 stacks on the bookshelf. Finding room in our already full of boxes basement, I know it must be time to chuck things big time. But, I'm of the sort, who thinks, "you never know when you'll need it." And about the time, I get rid of something, shortly afterwards, it is revealed that it was just the thing I needed!
The empty office echoes the emptiness I feel within me. I am tired, worn out and nearly completely drained. It's as though everything has been sucked out from me. The question remains, what does God want with me? To what and to whom is God calling me?
I try not to get too discouraged. Some relationships work out better than others and mistakes are made by all parties. My intellect tells me this but the heart takes more convincing and needs time to heal. Did I mention, that I feel like I could sleep for a week? I'll settle for 8 good hours when this Sunday is behind me.
It has taken every drop of energy, resolve, grace, love and the power of God to keep going. How dismissed does one feel when a parishioner swishes a cord during the sermon? There is nothing more I can say to her. She has blocked me and no longer hears.
I have stood firm in my faith, acted lovingly and graciously throughout. They cannot fault that nor my integrity.
There is new life that yet awaits them and me.
Until then, there are still a couple more boxes that need to be packed and removed, and goodbyes that need to be said.
It has been a sad and difficult week, but there is the grace of Christ's presence that sustains me and is there in the prayers and goodbyes. I have felt it.