IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON:

THINGS NEVER TO GIVE YOUR WIFE FOR CHRISTMAS: (author unknown)

1. A frying pan, blender, vacuum or washing machine.
2. A scale - either for weighing food or her body.
3. Perfume you say you liked when you smelled it on another woman.
4. A copy of the favorite recipe your mother always made you.
5. House shoes like your mother wears.
6. A nightgown one size too small, cut to fit waiflike models, made of
polyester, with sleeves that are so tight at the wrists they could pass
for tourniquets.

Go ahead, add to the list:
7.